Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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