How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
