we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
