I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
