If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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