I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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