it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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