I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
