Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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