We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have aggressive nipples.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
