Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
