I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
