onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
