How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
