the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
