I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
