Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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