you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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