The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
