a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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