He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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