Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
