he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
