..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
