I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
