I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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