I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
