Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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