we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
