my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
