so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
