Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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