So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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