Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
