My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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