I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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