I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
