I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
