Your dad touched me again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
