I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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