He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
