You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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