You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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