I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Randomize
