he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
two words: eviction party
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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