News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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