I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
