Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
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Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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