I accidentally had phone sex last night
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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