I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
