Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
