apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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