you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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