I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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