I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
