Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
