I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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