I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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