Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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