you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
