I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
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I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
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I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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