I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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